Kickas.org Forums Ankylosing Spondylitis General Discussion #1 AS Web Support Group I need you all

Hi Cindy,

Our KickAS family is the best. This depression can get us down the worst. I know how you feel, I have prayed that my heart would give out, that someone would take me out by causing an accident, not my fault.

My heart may just give out this week, like I was telling Janet (Snowlady), that we got royally dump on by snow. I have a 70 foot x 25 foot driveway, and I asked the municipality not to dump anymore snow at the end of driveway as I can't even afford to get it cleaned out. I got my sidewalk in front of the house cleaned, and now my back, shoulder, neck hurts, plus I have a bit of a head ache. They will hurt long into the night today, I afraid, and I can't take any medication for pain.

While I was cleaning the sidewalk, I noticed the municipality dumped another foot of snow. I did phone them yesterday and told them I am on disability, and I couldn't afford to pay anyone to clean the driveway, and would they mind not dumping the snow all in my driveway. I stood there crying, and I am still crying, because with the rain,coming and it will freeze, by the time hubby is to bring snow blower from Kitchener, 2 hours away on weekend, it will be of no use. I will be stuck here for Christmas.

Depression, is not good especially at this time of year. I truly know how you feel. I hope I didn't take you further into a depression. I wish I could help put a smile on your face and make you feel good.

Maybe just getting out. Have family around, I know that would help me a great deal. Just going to a party last Wednesday did help, for a few short hours. I was determined not to let the depression get a hold of me there. My friends know not to ask, about how I feel, or about my family, and so the night was an enjoyable night.

I wish we lived closer, I would have you over for a hot chocolate, coffee or tea, just for the company. I don't want to be by myself. I might just finish that driveway.

Love, hugs, and kisses so that you will feel better this Christmas. and that I am here for you. Being able to be there for someone, does help.



Gerri

Dearest Cindy - best bright star 'Wish I were steadfast as thou art'. (Apologies to Wordsworth!) You are such an inspiration to us all, always giving and always there to give comfort and courage. Dear lass, our, my, turn to help you. Know that you are in my thoughts, a dearest wish would be to have those knees of yours sorted, but I don't have that magical wand. All I can send you is hugs and loving thoughts with prayers that you are upheld in spirit at this time and, always.

Bless you my dear.

Molly

Cindy,

Before I went into surgery you posted this to help me through it, "I thought of everyone here I knew were thinking of me and praying for me and suddently I was calm as a cucumber." In fact, I did think of that when going into surgery and was also "as calm as a cucumber." So now, I'm offering it back to you.

You have helped me and so many, please accept our prayers and thoughts for you.

Dean

I can relate to your feelings. Pain and exhaustion can make us think crazy thoughts. I have at times wished to just leave this painful body behind. But I realize the many who love me would then suffer.

I have just spent 2 full days + in a crippling flare from something I ate, and it was enough to nearly put me over the edge. I don't usually take sleeping pills because I have this fear of the house burning down while I'm sleeping, but when I'm in a flare, I couldn't give a &*#! about that, just let me have some relief from this pain, if I burn to death in my sleep so be it.

What I am trying to say is, we know what the pain is you are suffering, we all have to find something to help us hang on and not give up.

Keep searching and keep trying, and (hardest of all for me), stop pretending. These things, I think we are all constantly working on. Its a full time job for us, an exhausting one, but I have hope that it will all be worth it eventually, and get easier over time.

Cindy, I am so sorry to hear that things are still getting you down. I'd so hoped that time away would help you get a new perspective. You are not alone, my dear.

And it's OK to tell the truth to people in your life (and your doctors) about how you are feeling. Please don't continue pretending otherwise. You don't have to wear it on your sleeve, or bleed emotionally all over everyone around you, but just acknowledge to yourself, to them, when you are feeling lousy. It's OK. You're so accustomed to being superwoman all the time that you're afraid you'll be letting people down. I know this. But please, for your own sake, please start letting them know when things are too much. You need them as much as you need us right now. Let them be there for you.

You are so very loved.

Many hugs,

Sorry to hear that you are a down. You are here for a lot of other Kickers and we love you for that. I will pray that things improve for you and some answers can come your way.

Kickas really helped me out when I was depressed in August of 2003, but I have come a long way since then. I am praying the same for you.

Hang in there and keep coming back here when you need it!

Tim

Cindy,

We all hit the wall at times but being who we are ( KA'ers ) we just keep fighting this monster. You don't have to pretend your fine if you are in pain let them know and that way people will learn just how much we do really hurt and that we do have our up's and downs. You are a fighter and you will make it through this.

John

hey cindy,
know this thing can be hard and I think combination of weather and the holiday season fast approaching can make it that much harder.
keep your chin up and like we all do you will get through this.

Hi Cindy, Every once and awhile I just like to log in and remind everyone how miserable my life is. Here is aquote from a Government study.

"WASHINGTON, DC—A report released Monday by the Federal Consumer Quality-Of-Life Control Board indicates that the cost of living now outstrips life's benefits for many Americans.

"This is sobering news," said study director Jack Farness. "For the first time, we have statistical evidence of what we've suspected for the past 40 years: Life really isn't worth living."

To arrive at their conclusions, study directors first identified the average yearly costs and benefits of life. Tangible benefits such as median income ($43,000) were weighed against such tangible costs as home-ownership ($18,000). Next, scientists assigned a financial value to intangibles such as finding inner peace ($15,000), establishing emotional closeness with family members ($3,000), and brief moments of joy ($5 each). Taken together, the study results indicate that "it is unwise to go on living."

"Since 1965, the cost-benefit ratio of American life has been approaching parity," Farness said. "While figures prior to that date show that life was worth living, there is some suspicion that the benefits cited were superficial and misreported."

Analyzed separately and as one, both the tangible and intangible factors suggest that life is a losing investment.

"Rising energy costs, increased prices on everyday goods and services, and the decreased value of the dollar have combined to drive the cost of living in this country to an all-time high," Farness said. "At the same time, an ever-increasing need for additional emotional-energy output, low rates of interest in one another, and the decreasing value of ourselves all greatly exceed our fleeting epiphanies."

Experts nationwide have corroborated the report's findings.

"The average citizen's lousy, smelly, uncomfortable daily-transportation costs rose 2.1 percent in January," Derek Capeletti of Wells Fargo Capital Management said. "Clothing costs were up 2.3 percent, reflecting an increased need for the pleated khakis, sensible sweater-sets, and solid ties we have to wear to our awful [**BLEEP**] jobs. And grocery expenses were up almost 4 percent, reflecting the difficulty that light-beer, microwave-burrito, and rotisserie-chicken makers have faced in meeting the needs of a depressed economy and citizenry."

Capeletti added: "The benefits of living remained stable or decreased. Especially—surprise, surprise—in our love lives."

According to the study, high-risk, short-term, interest-based investments in the lives of others cost thousands of dollars a year and rarely yield benefits, financial or otherwise. Although conservative, long-term partnerships do provide limited returns, the study indicates that they tie up capital and limit options.

Child-rearing, a course taken by many people who choose to live, is actually contributing to the problem.

"The fact is, the supply of Americans greatly outstrips demand," said Evan Alvi of the Portland-based Maynard Institute. "Americans seem to believe that minting more lives will increase the value of their own holdings. All they are doing, though, is inflating the supply and reducing the dividends paid by long-term familial bonds."

Despite life's depreciating value, Alvi did not recommend that shareholders divest themselves of their holdings.

"Limited dumping could result in a short-term increase in available resources for those who remain in the market," Alvi said. "However, it's a risky move that could affect perception of value, leading to mass divesture."

Alvi added, "And let's not fail to mention that some religious experts say there are penalties for early withdrawal."

charles

Hi Cindy,
I am so sorry that you are feeling so down right now.
I have read the replies to your posts. You are loved here. Your KickAs family are here for you.
Now is the time for you to pick yourself up shake of the dust and start that fight again. We have to be fighters with this disease.
My theory through all of the pain of AS is, it is not going to beat me. I am 74 and have been fighting it for more than 50 years.
I am aware that it attack each of us differently. Today I am pain free because I excercise through some of the pain.
I hope today you will be encouraged from the response from your friends here.

I send you lots of hugs and love.
Doreen